Rantings

My head hurts. Its the right side of my brain, and it doesn't hurt constantly, but if I move or stand up fast, I get this lovely sharp pain on that part of my brain. Awesome. And it's almost 10 o'clock, meaning I have another hour of work tonight. Yes, I've been working since 7:15 this morning...gotta love Tuesdays. This week pretty much sucks ass. I was home sick yesterday because I woke up at 1 in the morning and vomited for the rest of the night...awesomeness. No reason for it. My body just decided to be sick...so yay! Today was okay at work. Lots of stuff going on...pretty busy. Not bad, but not totally AWESOME. Tomorrow, I've got a couple classes coming in and I'm working with a teacher to show him my new self-service taping station...Then, I get to stay after for a mentoring meeting and come home, eat dinner and go to work until 10. Thursday sucks slightly as well because even though I don't have any parent teacher conferences scheduled, I still need to be here "just in case." What the fuck. No one wants to talk to me. So, oh well. Oh, and I have another meeting on Thursday afternoon, but I'm looking forward to that one. I just wish I wasn't working 3 jobs. Then, it wouldn't matter so much that I have to stay late at work for a meeting because I'd be able to go home afterwards, have dinner, work out and do my own thing for the rest of the night. Instead, I have to scramble to find time to work out, let the dogs out, eat with Jeff (if possible) and then get to work.
Okay. I'm done whining for today. I guess its hard to get back into the swing of things after a few days off.

Being an adult sucks. Because it means I have to do adult things like look up prices for new shelving for work. Um, I don't want to.

But on a happier note, tomorrow is a professional development day, and then I have Friday AND Saturday OFF...yes...I said OFF. No working anywhere else. I can slug around and do nothing. Two amazing CONSECUTIVE days off. woo hoo. I still have to work Sunday, but that's soo okay with me. I mean, really, 3 days off? That's a bit much! (notice my sarcasm).

I am having an ugly day. That's okay. I can live with that I guess. Its one of those days where my eyes look small and beady to me, and my hair looks frizzy and greasy (who knew it could be both at the same time). My clothes are frumpy (and they are, I was forced to wear pre-weight loss clothes today and the pants are so big I had to roll them so they'd stay up, thankfully my shirt is long enough to cover that). Basically, I'm ugly. Oh, and even though I've eaten well in the past few days aside from some pieces of candy here and there, I feel like a ginormous fat pig.

This is not a self-pity posting. Because, as I write this, I recognize the fact that I actually look the same as I always do (except perhaps a bit disheveled). But when I'm tired, my whole world turns sour. And, I'm tired. So, I'll get over the ugly day, I guess. Because really, its just cause I'm sleepy. I can't wait until Friday when I can SLEEP. Omigod. I freaking love sleep. And my newest ritual is to stay home on Saturday night with my pets, and just have "me" time. Jeff usually has to travel with a sports team to some faraway place, so I get the place to myself. I can chillax with Greta, watch a movie, nap, clean, nap, eat, work out, and do WHATEVER I WANT by myself. I don't think I've ever thought of myself as someone who needs alone time, but I totally do. I mean, Jeff and I don't spend a lot of time together because of our work schedules, so it would be nice if we could see each other more, but I freakin LOVE just relaxing on Saturdays. What would be perfect is if I had Sundays off, then alone time Saturday, Jeffrey/Rachel time Sunday. Whenever I explain to people that my husband and I never have the same day off (except during vacations), they get very confused...but that's our life!

Oh, and on a totally random ending note, I'm thinking about keeping a print journal (as in one that I hold in my hand and write in). That is, in addition to this, but its always been something I wish I had the diligence to do but never have. Wish me luck!

Well, what can I say? My dog has 1 eye, I'm stuck at work and my family is stressing me out. Oh, and I got observed by the assistant principal for work today and it was slightly stressful. We have our post-evaluation meeting tomorrow. Krammer doesn't seem to miss the eye. And a friend of mine has a brother-in-law who only has one eye. He says, apparently you only lose about 20% of your vision range (peripheral), which makes sense once I thought of it. Krammer gets around just fine. The only thing that he HATES is the plastic cone he has to wear around his head for the next 2 weeks. Yes, two MORE weeks, even though he's had it on for a week.

And the family stress stems from Thanksgiving. My family drives me nuts because we can't just relax around the holidays...it always has to be some production with drama and hurt feelings and surprise or last minute visits. yikes. I can't deal, which is why my husband and I are opting to have dinner with friends this year...and that's even part of the drama...even opting out is dramatic in my family. Oh well. I love Thanksgiving, which is why its important to me that my husband and I spend it in a way we enjoy. I'm not saying I don't like my family, but if you ever come to one of our family events you'll quickly want go run out of the room screaming. AND because my family is weird about alcohol, you can't even have a stiff drink to soothe the pain!

Oh, and I just got back from a torturous conference that forced me to re-consider if I was in the right field...luckily, I had a good day at work today to re-affirm my commitment to being a school librarian. I was at the conference Sunday and Monday, and I felt completely out of place, and felt that most of the librarians there were dowdy, boring and focused on silly little things like fun "hats" and stickers and story telling. Very little talk of RESEARCH and INFORMATION LITERACY! Which are my focuses and loves...but oh well.

now only has 1 eye. My dog has one eye.

My dog (er..one of my dogs, that is) is now blind in one eye. Do I know why? No. He is 12, and has had vision problems his entire life (pigmentary keritis & recently, he's gotten cataracts). A few days ago, his eye looked weird, now its pretty much grey and enflamed and the vet has never seen anything like it. That's awesome. The vet can't even really say what it is, but THINKS its an ulcer. Great. My poor dog.

Work. That's all I do. Work. I don't know why. I mean, I do know. Jeff and I wanted to buy a house, so now we're poor and all we can do is work. Yuck. I wish that I could just stay home and cuddle with Jeff, but we rarely can do that. Yesterday, we crawled back into bed with Greta (puppy) and just cuddled for about a half hour and it was AWESOME. We have these fleece sheets and a down comforter so our bed is the ultimate soft-cushy cave...its awesome. But, then he went to work from noon until 2 am, and now he's at work today from 8 am to midnight, and I'm working 12-6 today. So, I'll get home, he won't be there and it will suck. I mean, its good that we're not around each other all the time because we don't ever get sick of each other, but it would be nice to see him more often. The rest of the week is this: we'll be together monday night, but tuesday, I work til 11, wednesday & thursday until 10, so I won't see him for more than an hour each day for 3 days. Chances are, I won't see him at all on Tuesday because I leave at 6:20 am and won't get back until almost midnight.

We went out on Friday night with our friends Mark & Michele (who just got married 2 weeks ago). I got a little annoyed with Jeff because he went home around 10:30 and we stayed out for 2 more hours. Sometimes its so frustrating that he doesn't have more of a social attitude. I like going out on a friday night and he doesnt. Oh well. We're going to go out again this Friday for Mark's birthday, so hopefully jeff won't wuss out. However, I should have probably gone home at 10:30 because I felt like crap the next morning...going to bed a little earlier probably would have prevented that! Oh well...

Anyway, its just sad that the weekend is already over. I'm not ready for another full week of work!

I may be unusual in this, but generally speaking, when I listen to music, I listen to the lyrics. So, whether or not I intend to, I think about what a song is ABOUT. It seems to me that the vast majority of the world either finds this unnecessary or they are incapable of doing it. Case in point: while listening to the radio the other day, I heard someone call up and dedicate this pretty awful song called "Lips of an Angel" by Hinder to his girlfriend, Kitten. Now, you may think from the name, or lyrics such as "Coming from the lips of an angel, hearing those words it makes me weak " Alas, this is the WORST song to dedicate to your girlfriend because if one were to actually listen to the song in its entirety, one would realize that its about still pining for a former girlfriend...see lyrics such as "Well my girl's in the next room. Sometimes I wish she was you. I guess we never really moved on." Hmmm...not the song I'd want my husband to dedicate to me. Was he really saying "by the way honey, I'm still in love with someone else..." or was he just a total jack ass? You decide.

Yes, I'm a bitch and stupid things bother me. I've accepted that a long time ago.

Just a mini-rant. I hate library patrons. Okay, not all of them. But one in particular tonight (of which there are many others like). He comes up to me and basically says he's done all of his research (using crappy internet sources, no doubt), but he needs to meet the professor's requirements for types of sources (ie, books, journals, etc). So, could I please help him find this type of source, even though he won't actually use them, he just needs to add them to his bibliography. I explained to him that doing that is actually CHEATING (citing sources you didn't use is ALMOST as bad as not citing sources you did use), and he got defensive. Well, I'm sorry fucktard that you don't get how RESEARCH works.

By the way, I don't think all internet sources are crappy...just the ones that you lay researchers find!

Okay, that's it for my library rant. Everything else is okay. Jeff (husband) and I spent some time at Home Depot pricing cabinets for our new kitchen yesterday, and it was very discouraging how expensive it is. But today, he went to a mom & pop place (yes, they do still exist) and go a quote for almost 2500 bucks less. Yay! I was super stressing about money, especially because I WAS overdrawn in my checking until my husband came to the rescue. I'm trying to put all my paychecks from job #1 (there are 3 total) into our joint accoutn for household expenses, but I can't seem to make ends meet with the income from job #2 & 3. I'll figure it out soon, I hope.

Other than that, I'm just counting down the 7 more minutes of work I have, and then I get to GO HOME...yay home. I like home...

I am pretty sure that this guy I've been helping today is high on cocaine...or, even worse, coming down from a high on cocaine. He's running around like a wildman and he keeps asking me the same questions and sniffing and wiping his nose.

I'm not judging...just observing.

There are so many weird people that use the library. I mean, how often does someone think (while high or drunk) that the library is a good place to go? You'd be surprised at how many. I don't think a shift goes by when I don't see someone who either stinks of alcohol or is acting in some other weird manner. I don't think I've ever gone to the library drunk OR high, and I'm a librarian!

I can feel them. Has that ever happened to you, where you're so tired that you're actually consciously aware of the crease in your eyelids and you can feel them begging "close me, close me!" That's how I feel right now. It just hit me. Granted, I've been up since 6, at work since 7 (aside from a break between jobs from 3-4) and I'm here until 11. I've been awake and chipper all day (despite my cold). It was actually a pretty good day at work (High School, I'm a librarian). I am getting along really well with the interim principal, and I wish he wasn't interim. It always makes me nervous when new administrators start because some administrators can be downright shady.

Anyway, I'm poor. So poor that after I dropped my sister off at home from school, I stole (well, not really stealing) food from my parents house and had to borrow $5 from my mom for gas. I'm used to loaning my parents money. This whole buying a house thing is really draining financially. I am BROKE. And I'm gonna be broke for the next 30something years.

And because I'm sick and poor and working to much to be as poor as I am, I was so mean to my husband last night. I went to bed around 8 (remember, I'm ill) and started watching old friends re-runs. My husband came in and changed the channel (without asking, mind you) and I got so annoyed that eventually I got up and slept on the couch. I think the main problem was whatever he was watching I couldn't block out, so i couldn't fall asleep so I became grumpy. Grumpy. I guess I'm grumpy a lot even though I consider myself happy. Does that make any sense?

So, for a while now, I've been planning on buying a house. In fact, my husband and I are closing on it tomorrow. But until this afternoon, it didn't "hit me" and now I'm all freaked out. I mean, that's a huge responsibility. And I don't know anyone my age (27) who owns a home. I mean, my brother does, but he lives in Texas where the houses cost about half the price they do here, and he gets a housing stipend from the army. So that's different. And, he has consistently lived beyond his means. ANYWAY, by tomorrow, at this time, I'm going to be a homeowner. I, Rachel, will own a house. I, Rachel, will be responsible for student loan bills, car loan payments, paying for my sister's braces, cell phone bill, gas for my car, clothing for me, vet bills for my very expensive dogs, AND on top of all that, a mortgage. I think I'm going to throw up. I want a cigarette...even though I don't smoke.

Oh, and speaking of cigarettes, because my husband is uber-responsible, we're taking out a life-insurance policy (that he's paying for) and I have to have a blood and urine test. I find that weird and very creepy. I'm giving my dna data to "the man" - I don't want to! I was so weirded out by that that I think the broker thinks I must be a druggy. I was nervous about nicotine showing up (because they test for that) because I had a momentary lapse in non-smoking judgment about a week and a half ago, but apparently nicotine only stays in your system for a few days. Still, I made the appointment for about 2 weeks from my lapse.

Argh. I don't want to grow up!

So, that wasn't what I intended on writing about when I decided to post, but after I logged in to LJ, there was a banner for her new movie saying "Jessica Simpson gives service with a smile" - why don't you just say "she'll service YOU if you ask nicely!" Or "gives head on request!" How about "Jessica Simpson is a whore!" Okay, so I shouldn't be such a pessimist, AND more importantly, I shouldn't care about Jessica Simpson.

I'm sitting here at job #2, and I've got approximately 4.5 hours of work left. Bear in mind, I have already worked from 7:15 am - 3:15pm, and now I get to sit here from 6-11. Yay me. Point is, there may be MANY pointless postings this evening.

So, my family is driving me nusto, and I can't complain about this openly on my myspace page...so here I am creating a new outlet for my angst. My mother is psycho. Completely. And I know this. I've known this for a very very long time, but it still upsets me. My father, also completely nutso, has signed up for a class at Harvard Extension. In fact, he wrote a pretty ridiculous article about it for the town paper. Anyway, he's auditing it, so its only $250 versus the $1000 it would cost if he wanted credit. Granted, there are MANY things they should be spending this money on, but whatever. My mother is, of course, angry/jealous and RIPS ALL OF HIS BOOKS APART. Who does that? People who are crazy, that's who. I just don't understand how she can look at herself in the mirror knowing that she's capable of doing things like that. It just makes me revisit in my mind all the awful things that happened at that house as a child. They had moved away from violent acts like this for the past several years, so this is a little shocking. Its interesting because people in general assume that it would be men who are violent in relationships, but with my parents its pretty balanced. I think my dad always had the upper hand cause he's stronger, but its my mother I remember throwing boots at trucks, pulling my hair, spanking me so hard the spatula broke, etc. Don't get me wrong, I have equally awful memories of my father, but his anger was mostly directed towards other siblings.

It just doesn't make any sense. My husband doesn't understand why I'm upset...okay, let me re-phrase that. He doesn't understand why I'm surprised. I don't know either, but every new piece of evidence that my family is completely disfunctional is just as upsetting as before.

Anyway, I needed to vent. I'm sure I'll be back.